🎒🪨 Rocks in Your Backpack: The "Dark Side Of The Moon" Of Personal-Responsibility.

How do your shoulders feel right now?

I mean, seriously...
Take a moment to reach out with your arms and assess.
For many of us, our shoulders are tense, tight, burdened...

In the realm of personal responsibility, it seems we've got it all upside down.

What do I mean by that?

In my previous post, I discussed personal responsibility - a huge, endless topic. Even individuals like coaches, leaders, senior executives, military officers – typically attuned to personal responsibility – frequently find themselves introspecting repeatedly. Discovering areas where they still yield control to others in shaping their behavior is not uncommon.

What are the boundaries of our responsibility?

When it comes to our responsibility toward others, we often behave in stark contrast.
We fail to detect where does our responsibility ends.
Remember the myth of Atlas, bearing the weight of the world on his shoulders?
We constantly make that mistake, shouldering the world's burdens, from the times of Adam and Eve to the distant relatives of your goldfish.

We often fail to allow others the space for their own responsibility. While our intentions are usually good – aiming to alleviate others' burdens and make their lives easier – we often miss big-time, inadvertently causing harm to those we seek to help and straining our relationships.

Usually, our original intention is good meaning. We care for the other and want to ease on their life, take a load of their shoulders. But in nearly all of those cases we are missing big-time and create situations where we even hurt those whom we want to benefit and harm our relationship.
Combining the main idea from my previous post: "Know where your responsibility begins and where it ends"

Why do we fail to recognize boundaries?

It all begins with awareness!

I often work with individuals immersed in a stressed and overwhelming lifestyle. I sense it not only in their speech or behavior; their bodies strongly reflect the strain. When I ask what's bothering them, I receive an automatic, ready-made reply. They have what everyone has - Work, family, financial obligations, commitments, chores... However, the distinctive aspect is their tendency to unconsciously pile on more and more responsibilities on their shoulders.
I typically address these issues one by one, asking "Who's responsibility is this?" Almost always, their eyes light up and they sigh in relief.
"Wow, that isn't really my responsibility, nor is that one. And that other thing? No one even asked me to handle it..."
I hate to say this, but this sense of relief is too often short-lived. Without the active role of awareness, the ingrained behavioral pattern resurfaces, and once again, these individuals bear the weight of everything on their shoulders.

The need to be "in control."

What underlies our difficulty in releasing responsibilities that aren't truly ours?

Modern Western society places immense emphasis on the mind, reasoning, and thought processes. The mind, inherently survival-focused, tends to be an overly cautious coward. Its natural inclination is to plan multiple steps ahead, driven by fear. Paradoxically, this fear-driven need for control often hinders genuine control. We are conditioned from early childhood to be "in control."

When this need is coupled with a fundamental fear of failure and a significant lack of self-confidence, individuals often resort to ensuring tasks are carried out according to their preferences—either by doing everything themselves or by micromanaging to an extreme degree.
Sometimes this behavior is being refined to only showing concern, albeit in excessive amounts.
Do you know those mothers who can't fall asleep until their 25 year old "child" comes back home from a hangout at 5am?
You know those mothers who can't sleep until their 25-year-old "child" returns home from a night out at 5am?

Where does it all stem from?

Even if you haven't raised children yourself, you can likely picture a scenario where a parent closely trails a baby learning to walk, preventing any chance of falling. In attempting to take responsibility for teaching the child to walk, unaware they actually screw things up and hinder the learning process.

This pattern often persists as the child grows.
In my childhood tiny neighborhood, I recall a mother who would literally run after her son riding his bicycle, holding a spoonful of food or a banana. True story!

A child starts school - who's responsibility is it to do homework, organize the schoolbag, do the chores?
Many parents take it as their own responsibility and "ride" their children's backs. No wonder why that type of a mother of 3-4 nearly goes insane!

In essence, much of this behavior begins at home.

It's crucial to recognize a fundamental truth: for others (whether a child, spouse, friend, employee, or colleague) to practice personal responsibility, we must model it ourselves. Only individuals embracing personal responsibility can confidently allow others to experience falls, make mistakes, fail, and learn from those experiences.

The consequences of boundary-less responsibility on ourselves.

Picture yourself going for a hike in nature on a beautiful sunny day with an empty backpack.
Occasionally, you bend over, pick up a rock, and place it in your backpack. Initially, the weight is barely noticeable. However, over time, the burden becomes heavier until you ultimately collapse under the load.

These rocks symbolize the unnecessary responsibility of others that you shoulder.
While I don't know anyone who would load countless rocks during a hike, I do know hundreds who forcibly take on other people's responsibilities. The emotional burden of this responsibility far exceeds that of actual rocks. It inflicts long-term chronic damage on the body, immune system, health, emotional resilience, and more.

The consequences of boundary-less responsibility on others.

It is crucial to understand the consequences of that subject towards those who are in the "responsible" person's immediate environment.
Consider, what are the hidden messages in the subtext?
"I don't trust you!"
"You can't do that!!!"
"You'll always be dependent"
"No need to practice personal responsibility"
"There'll always be a sucker doing it for you"
"I'm better or more capable than you"

No matter how hard the "responsible" person tries to conceal these messages from others or even themselves, attempting to mask them with expressions of love and more... The message inevitably gets conveyed and firmly rooted.
Now, imagine stepping into the shoes of the poor recipient of this "care." What emotions surface? Anger, frustration, rebelliousness, closure, a depletion of self-confidence, a sense of worthlessness, and more.
This inevitably fosters a pattern of diminished personal responsibility and initiative, eliciting responses from the "responsible" person such as:
"Why are you so irresponsible?"
"Why do I have to do everything for you?"
"Why don't you do something for yourself?"
Can you discern the existence of this vicious cycle?

The same scenario replays itself in the business world and the workplace. It's often an individual, typically in a position of authority, who bears all the responsibility, even for tasks beyond their job description, occasionally tasks that should be handled by those above them. Their inability to delegate responsibility fosters negative habits and a toxic organizational culture. When there's a "sucker" always ready to handle everything, why bother trying?
On the flip side - "They don't trust me anyway. Why should I even make an effort?"

How does it affect the relationship?

While I'm specifically addressing couples’ relationships, this applies to any type of relationship.

In my process work with couples, I consistently observe the rapid formation of habits of unnecessary responsibility, often driven by love.

Partners assume responsibility not only for their own actions and behavior, but also for their partners’ emotions. This doesn’t make sense! Do we always know what someone else’s emotions are? Not even if we live alongside them for decades.

Again, they don’t count on themselves and their partners, they don’t trust.

"He's emotionally closed, he can't express himself", "She's uptight. She can't connect with her sexuality"...
They are as far from the truth as a politician from keeping their promises.
I guide couples through physical exercises that demonstrate how they can trust and rely on each other. It's about realizing that there's someone strong and capable on the other side.

During these exercises, I repeatedly ask them, "Whose responsibility is it?"
This powerful question sparks deep reflection and fosters heightened self-awareness. It's so impactful that I assign it as their "homework" for several weeks, encouraging them to ask each other in relevant moments.

In my personal life with Efrat, we continue to explore and understand each other on our shared journey. When one of us stumbles, assuming unnecessary responsibility, the other asks, "Whose responsibility is it?" It serves as a living reminder of this crucial aspect of life

I understand that letting go of deeply rooted habits and iron-clad patterns is incredibly challenging.
It's difficult to relinquish control, the desire to have everything done instantly, in "my time" and "my way".

While this process demands considerable effort, the amazingly transformative results significantly contribute to your well-being, making every challenge worthwhile.

If you find it too difficult and need a helping hand, guidance, or support, or if you sense a limiting belief holding you back, don't hesitate to schedule a meeting. We can embark on a mutual path.
Any open questions? Leave me a message, and I'll respond as soon as possible.

Faithfully yours, reminding you to DARE TO BE YOU!